They'll Pay You To Do What?!?!

I'm convinced that Japan has it ALL figured out, no fucking joke. the proof is in many things including but not limited to; technology, business, tradition, sushi, candy, karate, ninjas, samurais, bonsai trees, the coolest flag, sake, Daniel Larusso, pepper steak, geishas, insane game shows, Takeshi Kitano....and now this. The "this" I speak of is "host" bars.





Prior to watching "The Great Happiness Space: Tale of an Osaka Love Thief", I had only heard of "hostess bars". Hostess bars are places where Japanese men(mostly married business types), go to sit down, have a drink, and enjoy the company of a woman or women, which they are paying for, of course. Don't get it twisted, this is not specifically a strip club or a whorehouse (although sometimes, of course, money can buy you anything), this is a bar where you pay for the drinks of the woman that is sitting with you, you pay for her time in how much you both drink. But what you are essentially doing is paying for company, not sex. Paying for a woman to listen to your problems, your dreams and your nightmares is really not too far removed from a psychologist, only in a sexy, fun, setting. I can see how that can make some kind of sense to a(and this is a generalization here) lonely, mid-life crisis man at the end of his rope, groping for attention from the depths of his wallet...but what about these "host" bars? Can there actually be a place on earth where the tables are turned? Where do you find women who are willing to pay men to hang out with them? Where is this Bizarro universe where a decent (and sometimes excruciatingly cute) woman needs to pay a dude to hang around her? That universe, my friends, is fucking Japan!!



While Jeff is hanging at the crib again, we, along with Mari, are cycling through the options of what to watch for what seems to be yet another one of our impromptu movie nights. Ever since this fucker has come back to town, it seems that we've tried to squeeze in as much movie watchage in before he takes off on tour again, which works out beautifully for us both, since we just can't stop watching movies. After like 2 or 3 suggestions, we go with Jeff's suggestion of "Big Happiness Space". He had seen it before and it did not take much for Mari and I to go "Whaaat?! Hell yeah, let's see that!"...naturally. We were expecting to be entertained, but man we were really sucked into this weird secret world that is the host bar scene. What happens here is something so interesting that once you start watching, you just can't stop, it's like watching animals fuck or people fall, your eyes are laughing but your mind is disgusted...okay maybe not disgusted, but just a little disturbed. The movie centers around a little corner of weird called Rakkyo Cafe, a host bar owned by the top dog in the male (sort of) prostitute game in Osaka: 22 year old Issei. This guy is a damn genius (sorry ladies, but it's true!) Everything about him is catered to what Japanese young women with money want, and apparently what they want is a funny, waif-like emo Barbie doll to spend thousands (I'm not kidding) and thousands (again, this is real money we're talking about)of dollars on...to party with them. with. no. sex. What the fuck?! How does this work?! And to make it even more fucked up, let me tell you that the no sex thing is the host's strategy. These guys will sometimes eventually have sex with these ladies, but once they do, the women rarely come back. So, in order to keep these girls hooked, they string them along and squeeze as much dough out of these girls. Pretty fucked up huh? You have no idea. What's worse is the revealing of the vicious cycle this lifestyle fuels. Watch this and take a shower immediately after.

"Tron Funkin Blow"

 So yeah, the quote used as the title of this post has absolutely NOTHING to do with Tron, the 1982 neon dripping, ultra futuristic (not really anymore) film we all loved starring Jeff Bridges. Instead it's from one of the funniest scenes in a movie that totally throws you back into the opposite direction of the future, the filthy and sometimes hilarious headbanger past some of us experienced while growing up in the eighties and nineties. I'm talking about mullets, unnecessary acts of stupidity and violence, fire and usually alcohol....lots and lots of alcohol. The film is called Fubar, it's a mockumentary by Michael Dowse about two constantly obliterated and amazingly mulleted Canadian headbangers named Dean and Terry that just look like they were shot out of a cannon filled with Labatt, grease and Camaros, I know that's kind of hard to visualize, but trust me, it's accurate. It's obvious from the start that this is not a real documentary, thanks to the totally unnecessary disclaimer at the beginning of the movie, which makes no kind of sense to me whatsoever. I mean, why put so much effort into making what looks to be a legitimate documentary but then spoil it with a pussy ass disclaimer? It must be legal reasons, I'm sure of it. If someone knows, fill me in, I'm too lazy to research it right now.

There is no complicated storyline here, just hilarity by the kegfull. You follow Dean and Terry around for the entire film, and believe me, it never gets old, no matter how many times you see Dean faceflop into hedges/sidewalks/dirt/whatever, it is fucking funny. The guys basically spend their time doing whatever hockey haired gentlemen wearing nice cutoff shirts would do; get mega wasted, tackle each other, obliterate a bus bench, spray paint, yell vulgar shit at innocent people, litter, talk about the awesome band they will start one day, etc., a typical Saturday night for you and I, but they do it with such pizazz that watching this movie just makes you want to do it every day, not just Saturdays. The best part is that they are "aware" of the camera crew following them around, and the film crew even gets involved...really involved.




I had heard about this movie from my buddy Jeff, so I made it a point to try to get a hold of it by the time he got back into town. As usual, Jeff rarely disappoints on the recommendations and we watched it with a group and we absolutely loved it. I strongly suggest getting shitfaced and watching this with friends; you won't be let down. Make sure you have no snobby pricks in your midst that will dismiss this as a Jackass or CKY ripoff, this movie has very well written characters that are totally believable, if not to you, then you and I are different. And maybe we're different because you're talking to a guy that used to sneak cans of Old Milwaukee with his junior high buddy and draw pentagrams and the number 666 with lighter fluid on the sidewalk before lighting them on fire and shouting with glee through the streets of Hialeah(there's my metalhead past creeping up again), totally giving'r.

Tell us what you really think about Tron!

PS: I've gotten in a lot of movie watchin' this week with Jeff, so stay tuned for a couple more reviews!